Initial Musings: Ketchup & The Perfect Murder

You know what annoys me?

When the waitress forgets to bring ketchup with the fries, and your mind automatically generates scenarios where it leaves a lower than normal tip at the end of the meal.

And it gets weirdly analytical too, because not bringing ketchup costs the waitress 3% but then she also smiled at you and cured cancer while at the table, so maybe that makes up for it. But in the end, it doesn't matter because once your check arrives, you double the taxes to leave a good tip anyway because you remember all the horrible wage-stories about waiters and waitresses in America, and how they don't even get paid minimum wage, that they have to live in dungeons and commute everyday from Romania.

Side note: Ketchup is very important to me. When I get invited for dinner at someone's house, and I use ketchup with the food they get annoyed because apparently I'm ruining the taste of the food while simultaneously judging their culinary skills. That is not my intention. But also, no matter who you are, you are never too good for ketchup. Ketchup is too good for you.

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Long time ago I read an article that described the perfect murder scenario. Apparently the best way to do it is that you stab the victim with an icicle. The theory goes that after the stabbage (its not a word, clearly it should be), the icicle melts, leaving behind no fingerprints and the murder weapon is gone as well. (Talk about light reading)

I cannot begin to lay out all of the constraints you'll need to overcome before carrying out this "perfect murder" plan. First, the killings MUST happen in very cold geographical areas, on very specific days of winters when icicles are readily available. So unless you have a beef with someone in Alaska in the middle of January you're out of luck. Also, if the weather is THAT cold for the icicle to not lose its structural integrity while trespassing into someone's heart, how is it supposed to melt at all after the stabbage occurs? The sun is a scarce commodity at this time so now you need an external heat source! Unbelievably demoralizing. The only way I think this can remotely work is if the killer carries a hairdryer with him at all times.

Cut to scene: Killer steps up; knocks on door, woman answers, killer breaks off icicle, stabs her, immediately looks for an electrical outlet, plugs in hairdryer, starts melting away the icicle while frantically checking for potential eye-witnesses. Things get complicated if the killer has OCD, and cannot stand the woman's imperfect hair-do.

A few hours later; a forensic investigator submits his report to the Detective: "Stab wound to the heart. Murder weapon untraceable. Victim hot"

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If you were looking for some sort of an obvious connection between ketchup & murder after reading the title, you don't know me well enough. I disappoint people.