How To Be Less Annoying: Chapter 1 - Cannot Vs. Will Not

My computer was being really mean to me the other day by being slow and clumsy, so I decided to put my 17 years of computer skills and knowledge to good use by fixing it. Yep... I restarted it. Now I did save all of my files before doing so but just as everything was shutting down, I got this wonderful message box: "Cannot quit Microsoft Excel".

The hell? CANNOT?? Surely it means 'will not', right? Because I know it can. If I can go into task manager and kill it myself, surely it can do it too? I know it wouldn't normally do all that, but if I've commanded the entire system to shutdown, doesn't that take precedence over listening to any little punk who is refusing to quit? So the only inference here is that my computer is just being a little prick and making me do all of the work for no reason. On the other hand, if it had said, 'Will not quit Microsoft Excel', I'd get it. Sure it's annoying, but at least it is being honest by saying: "I don't want to, so I won't." The lesson here is to always use 'will not' instead of 'cannot' wherever possible. The difference is that the former is just annoying whereas the latter is annoying as well as obnoxious. 'Cannot' infers that not only will a person not do what is asked of them, but they will also absolve themselves of all responsibility by suggesting they are physically incapable of doing it and you should do it yourself.

Another example of where 'cannot' and 'will not' should not be used interchangeably is when you are out with your friends and your holier-than-thou vegetarian friends are all like, "I cannot order this dish because I cannot eat meat". Sure you can! Its not a physical disability. You just WON'T eat it because it's your choice. Stop being really snobbish about it. That being said, I am a vegetarian and also a snob, but for entirely different reasons.

(Side Note: Being a meat-eater is absolutely fine, being proud about it is not)

Moving on... when I was a terrible little child, I saw a really cool looking candy in the supermarket. So I inquired to my parents about the possibility of having one. They were not in a giving mood that day so I started being annoying: "I will not go home with you until my needs are satisfied." Didn't work. Next week, the exact same situation arose, but this time I chose my words carefully: "I cannot go home with you until I get what is mine, it's impossible". Not only did it not work, but I totally got grounded this time.

So stop being obnoxious people, just be annoying.